About Motherhood and its Shadows
When you’re pregnant, especially at the end of that third trimester; when you’re about to meet that little being who’s taking your breath away; everyone tells you you’re going to need help…
Life took me to meet love and to have a home away from home. In addition, a pregnancy in the middle of a pandemic.
And with it grew in me an infinity of fears that I didn’t know I could feel: what if I need help, where would I run to? If I want to cry, which shoulder do I lean on?
Yes, I have my husband, who is a wonderful being and I am very fortunate that he moves heaven and earth for us.
But I’m far away from my people.
In my case, my mom could not be with me and told me many times to find support in my mother-in-law; my mother-in-law wanted to spend two weeks with us when we arrived from the hospital; my aunts were worried because I would be all alone. My only thought was “but what’s with all the fuss, I have my husband. My son’s dad is here!” Everyone tells you over and over again how much help you’re going to need with the baby, and everyone wants to help with the baby, aka, hold the baby while you do whatever it’s left to do (clean, cook, laundry, etc.)
And it is not just about being away from yours, it is motherhood in a society that believes, even nowadays, that parenting is just a mother’s job.
But…
No one tells you that not only will your baby be born, but a new “you” will also be born.
No one prepares you for those looks of disapproval when you decide not to follow outdated advice. Nor for the amount of “advice” (that seemed more like impositions) you will receive.
No one prepares you for all the judgment you’re going to be getting.
Everyone tells you to “sleep when the baby sleeps” (how much I hated being told that!) but no one tells you that when the baby sleeps you have the opportunity to take at least 5 minutes for yourself and what to do in those 5 minutes is one of the hardest decisions to make: do I sit and relax? do I take a shower? what if I eat something? when was the last time I ate?
No one tells you that when you’re in the middle of washing your hair, your baby’s gonna cry and you’re going to run, grab your baby and feed him, rock him and cuddle him until he goes back to sleep. And instead of continuing what you were doing, you just going to stare at him and admire him. How is it possible that such a small being can change your life in this way? How is it even possible to love him that much?
No one tells you that taking care of a baby is not difficult. Difficult is take care of yourself when you have a baby.
No one tells you how hard it will be to live all that you are living away from your people.
No one prepares you to feel so lonely, even when you spend 24 hours a day with your new love.
No one prepares to lose the few friends you had. Nor for how difficult it will be to make new friends with new moms.
No one tells you they’ll stop asking how you are and instead they’ll start asking how the baby is.
No one prepares you to feel guilty for feeling sad, even if it is for brief moments, and even when you feel and know that you are the most fortunate woman in the world to have a healthy and wonderful baby and an amazing husband.
You’re being ungrateful for feeling sad.
“You have to be happy for your baby”
“Be grateful, at least your baby is healthy”
“Didn’t you want kids?”
“Stop complaining, when I was your age I already had 4 kids”
If today you’re living this reality, it doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby.
If today you are living this reality that you were never told about, you are not alone.
Today I had enough! We live in a world where society tries to shut you up and judge you because in their eyes mothers can not complain, cry, rest, sleep, have fun, or have a life!
The worst part is that this same society is composed of 90% of other mothers, mostly from the older generation, who always say that now everything is easy just because in their time they had to wash by hand, care for their husbands and children, etc.
The difference between now and then is that in the past women were raising their children with an immense tribe of women who supported each other. Their mom, sister, in-laws, aunt, and even their neighbor were always there for them.
Nowadays, we have groups on Facebook, or in mobile applications, of mothers who do not know each other, and they only serve to feel that you are doing everything wrong; and if you dare to publish something there, it is to be judged.
Nobody talks about this part of motherhood, the one that hurts, but the reality is that we all live it.
As my friend Angelina says, motherhood helps you become a warrior.
I’d love to hear about your experience, leave me a comment or reach out if you need someone to talk to.
PS: Another time we will talk about how wonderful motherhood is because I love it with its ups and downs. But as I’m sure you’ve heard and read that a lot of times, today it’s important that you know that even though you are “suffering” silently, you’re not alone.
