Setting Boundaries with Family When Raising Kids. A Guide to Maintaining Family Harmony

by Dalia · June 10, 2024

If you have kids, you’ve probably had times when you needed to set some boundaries with family about how involved they are, what they give your children, or the comments they make.

The new generation of parents, gentle parents in particular, tend to be on the receiving end of this because we’re doing things differently. We are doing the opposite of what our parents and grandparents did, and the reality is that no one likes to be wrong.

Raising kids is an adventure filled with love, learning, and countless decisions. While having extended family support is great, one tricky part is maintaining boundaries with extended family. Sometimes, well-meaning relatives overstep these boundaries and, when gently reminded, might overreact and take it personally.

Family dynamics can get complicated, with everyone bringing their own mix of love, advice, and parenting perspectives. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all play unique roles in a child’s life. However, these relationships can sometimes make it tough to maintain the boundaries parents set.

So what happens when extended family oversteps those boundaries?

In this blog post, we’ll talk about why it’s important to set and keep boundaries with extended family when raising kids, and how to encourage them to understand and support those boundaries. I’ll also share some helpful statements for setting boundaries to get you started.

Let’s start with the basics. What are boundaries?

Boundaries are the invisible lines that define where one person ends and another begins. They encompass our physical, emotional, and mental limits, guiding how we interact with others and how we expect to be treated.

Boundaries are crucial! Establishing boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy relationships and overall well-being.

Boundaries protect our mental and emotional health. They help us avoid misunderstandings and resentment by clearly stating our needs and expectations to others. When we set limits, we learn to respect ourselves and those around us, which leads to more genuine interactions and stronger connections. Plus, knowing and sticking to our limits can reduce stress and prevent burnout. Boundaries let us manage our time and energy better, so we can focus on what really matters to us.

Now, I know many of us have never set boundaries with our families before, but once you have kids, everything changes. My perspective certainly did. I started caring about things I had never considered before, and those things quickly became boundaries I didn’t want anyone to cross.

When we talk about children these guidelines help ensure they grow up in an environment that aligns with our values and beliefs.

First things first, you need to be on the same page with your partner.

For instance, we recently asked our family not to buy stuffed toys or multiple toys for our kids. This wasn’t a whimsical decision but one based on health concerns and wanting to avoid an overwhelming number of toys.

Why those Boundaries Matter

Health and Safety: We were concerned about allergies and dust accumulation from stuffed toys, which could affect our child’s health.
Values and Beliefs: We believe in minimalism and mindful consumption. Too many toys can lead to overstimulation and a lack of appreciation.
Consistency: Keeping things consistent helps our children understand and respect boundaries themselves.

When extended family oversteps boundaries, it can lead to a range of negative outcomes. Parents might feel undermined, causing stress and tension at home. Kids can get confused about who’s in charge, leading to behavioral issues. Relationships with extended family can become strained, resulting in resentment and conflicts. Overstepping boundaries can also erode parents’ confidence in their own decisions, impacting the overall harmony and well-being of the family.

Setting Boundaries

When it comes to setting boundaries, it’s important to figure out who is crossing them and how they are being crossed (how, when, and where).

Focus on the boundaries that truly matter to you, ones that align with your core values. However, it’s equally important not to let these boundaries become overwhelming or intimidating to the point where it feels impossible to establish them.

Determine whether a situation requires a tough conversation or a quick, firm response. While you don’t owe anyone an explanation, with family, emphasizing the importance of certain boundaries can foster understanding.

Decide the outcome you desire and be prepared for the possibility that you may need to take action if your boundaries aren’t respected or learn to live with it.

Remember, you are not responsible for others’ reactions to your boundaries. Older generations might find it challenging when their opinions are challenged, but it’s essential to prioritize your family’s well-being.

Your boundaries and your voice are important, and consistently reminding others of your limits, especially regarding your children, is crucial for maintaining respect and harmony.

The Central Message: It’s Not Personal
Setting boundaries isn’t about rejecting our extended family’s generosity or love. It’s about ensuring our kids are raised according to our principles.

It’s About the Kids: Boundaries are set with our children’s best interests at heart, not as a reflection of how we feel about family members.

Respecting Parental Choices: Every family has unique traditions and values, and parents have the right to decide what’s best for their kids. Whether it’s dietary choices, sleep routines, or screen time limits, these choices should be respected.

Open Communication: If there’s confusion or disagreement about a boundary, open and respectful communication can help clarify the reasons behind it and find a compromise if necessary.

Statement Suggestions to Help Set or Reinforce Boundaries with Extended Family:

“I appreciate your input, but we’ve decided to do things this way for our family.”
“We’ve found that this works best for us, and we’d like to stick with it.”
“We’ve chosen to follow this routine because it works well for our child.”
“Our parenting approach is different, and we hope you can respect that.”
“For health reasons, we’ve decided to limit certain items in our home.”
“We have to be mindful of allergies, so we ask that these items are avoided.”
“We’re trying to minimize the number of toys, so please check with us before buying any.”
“Please respect our approach to managing behavior; it’s important for us to be on the same page.”
“I know you mean well, but we’re comfortable with the decisions we’ve made.”
“Thanks for the advice, but we’re happy with how we’re doing things.”
“We prefer not to discuss our parenting choices; we hope you can understand.”
“Comments like that are not helpful and we’d appreciate if they were avoided.”
“These boundaries are set with our child’s best interests in mind, and we hope you can support us in this.”
“It’s important for us to raise our kids according to our values and beliefs. We hope you understand and respect that.”
“We’ve asked for this to be respected, and it’s important for us that it is.”
“I feel undermined when this boundary is crossed, and it’s crucial for our family’s harmony that it’s respected.”

Remember to stay calm and assertive, and use “I” statements to express how you feel and why the boundary is important. This helps to avoid sounding accusatory and encourages understanding.

Have you ever had to set boundaries with extended family, were they overstepped? Share your experiences and tips in the comments!