When Your Kids Don’t Look Like You: A Mom’s Reflection
As parents, we all hear a wide range of comments about our kids—how they act, how they speak, and of course, how they look. One comment that always gets under my skin is: “Wow, they look nothing like you!”
For moms whose children strongly favor the other parent, this is a common experience. Some kids inherit dominant features from one side of the family, while others seem to take after distant relatives no one even remembers. And then there are those children who look so different from their parents that people—even well-meaning ones—do a double take.
Let me set the scene: my oldest child is a carbon copy of my husband. Every feature screams “Dad!”—from the shape of his nose to his cheeky smile. My youngest, though a bit different, resembles her big brother so much that at first glance, you might think they’re twins. Well, not quite—she’s still little. Oh, and did I mention she’s blonde?
Meanwhile, there’s me—dark-haired, dark-eyed, and wondering if strangers think I’m the babysitter.
The Struggle of Hearing “They Don’t Look Like You”
Hearing someone say, “You didn’t do anything there”, when referring to my kids’ appearances makes me want to roll my eyes so hard they get stuck. I know they’re only talking about looks, but sometimes, it feels like they’re dismissing everything moms do:
We carry our babies for nine months (sometimes enduring morning sickness, back pain, swollen ankles, and so much more).
We labor, give birth, or undergo major surgery (because yes, C-sections are serious!). This isn’t just a physical feat—it’s an emotional and mental marathon.
We nurture them every single day—feeding, comforting, and loving them unconditionally.
So to hear someone dismiss all that with a simple, “You didn’t do anything there,” because my kids don’t mirror my reflection, it can feel like a reduction of a mom’s role to just a biological bystander.
Motherhood is so much more than genetics— it’s about the everyday love and care we pour into our kids. I reflected on this more in Year-End Reflections: What Motherhood Has Taught Me This Year.
Why the “They Look Nothing Like You” Comment Hurts
On the surface, the comment might seem harmless or even observational, but for many moms, it stirs up something deeper:
A dismissal of the mother’s role in shaping who our children are—not just physically, but emotionally and in every other way. Just because they inherited their dad’s features doesn’t mean I didn’t play a role in their existence.
A reminder of societal expectations. Mothers are often depicted as having this undeniable, physical connection to their children. But what happens when the connection is less about appearance and more about shared moments?
An intentional (or unintentional) attempt to erase us. Some people seem to make it their mission to find every distant relative our child resembles just to avoid acknowledging any connection to us.
“Oh, she has her great-grand-uncle’s nose!” or “Look at those legs, just like so-and-so’s!” They will point out the most obscure features, bypassing anything that might trace back to mom. Whether they mean it or not, it can feel like a little jab, a reminder that they see us as the ones who simply carried the baby—not as someone whose presence is just as imprinted in them as their father’s.
Of course, none of this changes the fact that a mother’s love, influence, and presence are imprinted on her child in ways that go far beyond genetics.
It’s not about wanting my kids to look like me for vanity’s sake. It’s about wanting the world to see the invisible bond we share.
Parenting comes with so many unexpected moments—just like raising siblings close in age. If you’re navigating that journey, you might enjoy Back-to-Back Babies: Close in Age, Close in Heart.
It’s Not Just the Words—It’s Who Says Them and How
Most of the time, comments about a child’s resemblance are just casual observations, but sometimes, the way they’re said—or who they come from—changes everything. A lighthearted remark from a close friend or family member might roll right off, while a pointed comment from a stranger or even another family member can sting.
There’s a big difference between someone saying, “Wow, they look just like their dad!” with a smile and admiration, versus someone commenting, “Wow, you had nothing to do with it!” with a dismissive laugh. The same words can land in completely different ways, depending on the tone, intent, and relationship.
Parenting changes so much as kids grow, and the newborn stage is only the beginning. I wrote more about that in Beyond the Newborn Stage: When Parenting Gets Real.
The Reality of Genetics
While it may seem like our kids are all dad, genetics work in fascinating ways. Kids inherit a mix of genes from both parents, but the expression of those genes is unpredictable. Some traits might be more dominant (like my husband’s!) while others remain recessive (like mine) and may not show up visibly.
But beyond physical traits, kids pick up so much more from their moms:
- A love for books or music
- A particular facial expression when they’re deep in thought
- A shared sense of humor
- The same way they scrunch their nose when they’re concentrating
These traits may not be visible at first glance, but they are just as much a part of our children as their eye color or nose shape.
The Joy in Seeing the Differences
Instead of focusing on what others see (or don’t see), I started to embrace the beauty in our differences. My kids are walking reminders that families come in all shapes, sizes, and looks. It’s a testament to the beautiful unpredictability of life.
Here are a few things I’ve come to appreciate:
1
Their resemblance to my husband. Seeing his features in our kids reminds me of why I fell in love with him in the first place
2
Their unique traits. Watching how their personalities blossom independently of their appearance is the real magic.
3
The blend of cultures and histories. Our kids carry pieces of both of us—and that’s a powerful legacy.
Tips for Moms Who Feel the Same Way
If you’re a mom whose kids don’t look like you, here’s my advice:
Flip the narrative. Instead of focusing on the comments, celebrate what makes your family unique. For example, when someone says, “Wow, they look just like their dad,” I respond with, “They really do, don’t they? It’s amazing to see how traits get passed down in different ways.” This keeps the conversation positive while gently steering it away from erasing your presence.
Focus on the connection. Physical resemblance is just one aspect of parenthood. Your bond with your child is what truly defines your relationship.
Set boundaries when needed (and educate). If a comment feels dismissive or offensive, it’s okay to push back. It’s okay to acknowledge that comments sting. You don’t have to brush them off if they make you uncomfortable. A simple, “It’s funny how genetics work, but let me tell you, I earned every bit of my mom badge” often does the trick.
Find your community. Surround yourself with other moms who understand. There’s something comforting about sharing stories with people who’ve been there too.
Embracing My Role as Their Mom
At the end of the day, my kids might not look like me, but they are me.
So, the next time someone says, “They don’t look like you,” smile, hold your head high, and remind yourself of the truth: I’m their mom, through and through. And no amount of comments can change that.
Such good reminders! I feel we have all heard this at some point as moms and it always feels some kind of way!
I can definitely see how incredibly hard this would be! Thank you for your voice in it and bringing comfort to people who experience this as well. Also shedding some light on how my husband must feel sometimes when he hears this. I will definitely be more sensitive to him. Thanks so much!
That means so much—thank you! It’s interesting how these comments impact us in different ways, and I love that you’re thinking about your husband’s perspective too. That awareness and sensitivity go such a long way!
My son was a clone of my husband. Sometimes, it frustrated me that he looked like he had none of my DNA, but he grew up to be super handsome, just like his dad!
I totally get that feeling! It’s such a strange mix of emotions—pride, frustration, and love all wrapped up together. And yes, seeing them grow into their own person makes it all worth it!